He is so tense and so worried about me. Sean glances at me out of the corner of his eye as if he's acknowledging that I'm right, albeit reluctantly. I give him a lopsided smile in return and say, "Love can make you do all sorts of crazy things. Some are earth shattering while others seem mundane. The thing is, you and I found each other, and a love like we have is rare, like fairytale territory."
"So does that make you Cinderella?" Sean smiles at me, revealing that dimple.
The comparison makes me laugh. "Are you saying Cinderella was a hooker? Because I know she got with the prince a little fast, but I thought it was because of the pumpkin coach. Unless that was like slang for some kind of STD. In which case she gave it to the Prince. And let's face it, Prince Charming was a wuss. He didn't do anything except bring a bunch of girls one shoe. Who the hell wants one shoe?" The thought makes me laugh, as the comparison becomes clear in my mind. "Holy shit, did you say your mom is like the evil stepmother?"
Sean starts laughing. It's way too late and we're way too tired, because I'm sure this wasn't a funny joke but for some reason it makes both of us laugh hysterically. "I don't think anybody would deny it."
"Then let's steal her happily ever after. Fuck everyone else. Break the glass slipper, I know you can. My Prince Charming has pumpkin-sized balls." I can barely get the words out without laughing, partly because it's true, and partly because it's a really good visualization for Sean Ferro. Apparently he thinks so too because he leans into me giggling-giggling. The man is giggling.
"That makes Jon and Pete the ugly stepsisters." That deep booming laugh comes from deep within him. It's a rare sound that I absolutely love to hear.
"So you see why I like you the best. You're the prettiest." We start laughing again because somehow in the scenario he's become the Cinderella and I've become big balled Prince Charming. God, I'm so tired, but we can't stop laughing.
Sean reaches for my ankle and lifts my foot to his mouth, kissing the pad of my toe lightly. Suddenly, nothing's funny. I gasp as he does it, having no clue that it would make me feel this way.
Sean's lips twist into a wicked smile. "Really? You have a toe thing?"
"I do not." I sound very dignified until he slips one of my toes between his lips and all the air is sucked from my body in a luscious breath. His tongue flicks against my skin and I nearly scream with excitement. Hands clutching the sheets, I sit upright and try to pull my foot away. "No, no, no!"
Sean holds onto my ankle firmly, refusing to free me. "I think the words that you're looking for are, ‘yes yes yes.' This is so much better than the box. I can see the look on your face, the way your eyes sparkle, the way your lips twist into a panicked smile. Meanwhile, you're the one talking about morality, what's weird and what's not, and then you swoon over toe kisses."
"I'm not swooning." Okay so that's a total lie. As soon as he puts his mouth on my toes again, I'm lost. I'm gone, swept away the same as when he kisses that spot on my shoulder, and I just can't stand it. I moan too loudly and rip the bedding underneath. My nails actually dig into the silk sheets and tear them. My back arches up in the air as I moan with ecstasy.
Sean doesn't relent. His kisses stay focused on my feet, on my toes, until I admit that I have a thing-a very weird super sensitivity where kisses feel good on my toes. The sensations make me writhe and call out. I beg him to stop, but he won't, not until I give in and admit that I'm a foot freak.
In a voice that's way too high pitched and breathy, I dart upright, gasping, "Fine! You're right! You're right." I pant the last word because he's stopped torturing me. I'm such a nutter. I wiggle my foot, trying to jerk it away, but Sean holds on.
He gently massages my toes, touching the right places to make me quiver. Then I'm treated to a full smile that reveals both dimples. "I love it when I'm right."
CHAPTER 11
The rest of the night flies by in a blissful blur. This is unreal, unlike anything Sean's ever done before. I wonder if this is the man that used to be or if this is a totally new version of Sean that he doesn't know, that no one knows. I'm elated and exhausted, lying naked in his bed. There's a sliver of moonlight peering through the draperies. It feels like I have anvils tied to my eyelashes and every time I blink it becomes harder and harder to reopen my eyes, but I don't want to take my gaze off of Sean.
He's been falling in and out of sleep for an hour now, maybe more. There's a peaceful look on his face that makes me want to watch him, but it also makes me worry. In this state, he's frail. Vulnerability isn't something that equates to Sean Ferro, but there are times when I see it. The most common is at the cemetery when he's standing in front of his wife's grave and looking at the family he lost. He blames himself and he always will.
The thing is, tonight was different than other times because his walls never went back up. It's what I always wanted. It's also what scares the tar out of me. I finally had a taste of what the real Sean Ferro is like, of the beautiful man that lies beneath the torment, and I love him even more. The little traces of who he is that have popped out from time to time are nothing compared to the man I saw tonight.
I want to close my eyes and wake up next to him every day. I want things to stay like this, and have it be me and him against the world. Isn't that what marriage is all about? Forming an alliance with someone, trusting them, hoping they'll be there when you fall, and helping them up when they need you. Sean's afraid of repeating his mistakes and I see that, but he's in this constant state of looking backwards and living in the past.
I was like that. I wanted to be like him. I wanted to be numb to the world and everything in it. I didn't want to feel the pain of losing my parents, but it meant that I gave up feeling anything at all. I don't think I can live that way very long, because what's the point of living if you can't feel?
All the things that I love most are sensations-the breeze on my face, the crunch of fall leaves under my feet, the sand between my toes, and even the warmth of Sean's skin on mine-they're all things I feel. The things I don't want to be without. I wonder if tonight will convince Sean to let go of his past, at least a little, enough to step forward into the light. The only way I'll find out is if I close my eyes and fall asleep. I'm excited to know what tomorrow brings but I'm afraid of it at the same time.
My eyelids close slowly as my gaze is fixated on Sean's lips. To my surprise, his blue eyes are suddenly revealed through dark lashes. A smile twitches at his lips and he reaches out, touching my face, dragging his finger along my cheek. The touch makes me shiver and feel safe at the same time. It's like being touched with ice and fire, and there's no other way to describe it. Both ecstasy and agony.
Sean says sleepily, "Close your eyes spray start car girl. I'll still be here in the morning, nothing will change."
I'm afraid to ask, but I do, "How can you be so sure?"
"Because I finally found what I'm looking for, I was just too stupid to see it." He smiles sleepily at me. "I've made promises before, but I didn't know what I was promising. Now I do. I want this. Every day. Every night. Us. Together, if you'll have me. And if not, I may just wear my man ring and just tell people I'm engaged to the awesome Avery Stanz."
That last remark makes me giggle, I can't help it. Sean caresses my cheek again and I snuggle closer to him. "Was that a proposal, Mr. Jones? Because I believe it's tacky to propose after sex, at least for your kind."
He smirks. "My kind?"
"Yes, your kind-the fabulously wealthy, powerful, and slightly crazy, Ferro family. I'm sure they'd be horrified to learn of such a tacky proposal." I'm teasing him and too sleepy to make up much of a jeer. He knows it. Sean snuggles closer so we're nose to nose, and he's gazing sleepily at me. "So should we open a condom and put it on my finger as a ring?"
Sean's response is nonverbal, he leans in closer, putting his hands on my side, and tickles me. "The guy who gives you a condom as an engagement ring is a fucktard."
I gasp, opening my mouth like I'm in super shock. "Did you just use slang? Oh my God, I think I might die. The great Sean Ferro sounds like a normal person." I laugh as he tickles me more, but I'm honestly too tired to fight him off.
"This is an extension of the first proposal, which was done correctly and very romantically. You know how hard it was to find someone at the State Park Department to let me rent the damn room? I was on hold for nearly three hours."
Now I tickle him, pressing my fingers into his sides and wiggling. Sean laughs and confesses, "Okay, so it was two hours, but still took forever. That was the proposal. This is the affirmation, the statement that comes later that states I still mean what I said. I want you now, and I want you forever, for the ups, downs, and everything in between. I want you here next to me, like this, every night. I want to kiss you awake every morning. I want to do very dirty things that I will not say out loud, Miss Smith."
I can't help it, I'm smiling like an idiot. I want to believe him. I want to believe it, but he's said this before. Except last time his actions were different. Aren't actions supposed to speak louder than words? I should accept this change, shouldn't I?