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Taking It All(9)

By:Maya Banks


"Baby," he said gently. "I can fix this. You just have to give me the   chance. I never want to be without you. I'm sorry if I haven't made you   feel that way lately."

"I'm too tired and strung out to have this discussion tonight," she   said, her shoulders sagging. "I just want to go to bed. We can't have   this conversation when I'm not on equal footing, and anything I say   right now is likely to be all twisted up because I'm so upset, and that   does neither of us any good."

She saw the frustration, the beginnings of a raw edge of temper, but he   held it back, not reacting to her firm dictate. Or perhaps he saw how   truly close to the edge she was and didn't want to push her right over.

He dropped his hands from hers and turned halfway from her, his gaze directed forward so his profile was presented.

"If that's what you want," he said in a low voice. "But we're going to   talk tomorrow, Chessy. No more putting this off. It's been put off long   enough and I realize that's my fault."

She got up from the couch before he could do or say anything to change   her mind and headed for their bedroom to collect her things.

Tate watched his wife exit the living room in the direction of their   bedroom. He breathed a sigh of relief. At least he could hold her   tonight if nothing else. But damn it, he wasn't ready to call it quits   for the night. There was so much left unsaid, unresolved. He wasn't the   type to delay anything. And spending an entire night with his future   hanging precariously on the edge of destruction? Not ideal.

But he couldn't afford to push Chessy. She was clearly at her wits end.   His fuck-up on their anniversary had pushed her too far. Finally too   far. He was damn lucky she hadn't left his dumb ass already.

He hauled himself off the couch, mentally preparing for the night ahead.   He hoped like hell that Chessy didn't close herself off to him, lie   rigidly in bed or, even worse, cry herself to sleep. His heart would be   cut to ribbons.

When he got to their bedroom door, he nearly bumped into her as she came   out holding a pair of pajamas and her toiletries. He frowned, dread   creeping up his spine.

"Where are you going?" he demanded.

She lifted her chin, forcing her gaze to meet his, a defiant look in her   eyes. At least she wasn't crying. A small victory at best.

"I'm sleeping in the guest room tonight," she said quietly. "I need some   time alone. To get my thoughts together before we get into this   tomorrow."

It was like a fist to his gut. As she shoved past him and walked toward   the guest room at the far end of the hallway, his breath left him and  he  couldn't squeeze air back into his lungs to save his life.

He stood there staring helplessly at her, knowing he should go after her   and at the same time recognizing she'd given him an ultimatum of  sorts.  Hands off. Give her space.

Numbly, he walked into their bedroom, knowing he'd never sleep tonight.   How could he when Chessy was sleeping down the hall from him and their   marriage was in serious jeopardy?

They'd never slept apart. Not when they were in the same house. He'd   gone on very few out-of-town business trips, most of them in the last   couple of years, and that was the only time they'd damn well slept   apart. Even then he'd always called her and they had talked on the phone   way beyond bedtime. Because he'd missed her, missed having her in his   bed, and he'd given up precious hours of sleep when he needed to be   alert and aware the following morning for important meetings. Didn't   that count for something?

A small part of him registered that he should be angry. That he'd made   countless sacrifices to ensure that the woman he loved more than life   had the world at her feet. And yet he couldn't bring himself to be   anything but remorseful when he took in the extent of Chessy's   unhappiness.                       
       
           



       

Chessy who usually lit up a room when she walked in. Chessy who had a   smile that could knock a man to his knees a mile away. Chessy who'd   always been nothing but sweet and understanding, smiling, eyes bright   and supportive. Had he given her the same support she'd given him? The   same understanding?

The answer to those questions bleakly registered a resounding "no" with   him. He knew he'd fucked up and there was no way he could turn this  back  on her because she'd been nothing but loving and supportive of him  even  amid his neglect of her needs and wants.

He clenched the back of his neck and rubbed absently as he paced   helplessly around their bedroom. He couldn't make himself shower or get   ready for bed. All he could see was an empty bed, one she should be in,   her scent enveloping him as he slept.

She was his security blanket. The only solid thing in his world where   everything else was uncertain. He'd taken her for granted, had shit on   her repeatedly over the last two years, and he'd never realized the   extent of his neglect. Until now.

He'd done what he'd vowed never to do: Made her feel unwanted.   Invisible. Just as her parents had done. Self-loathing ate at him,   digging a yawning chasm in his heart and soul.

How could he possibly imagine a future without her? He was scared   shitless. Fear like he'd never experienced gripped him by the balls and   had a stranglehold on his throat.

Never, never would he forget the look in her eyes when he'd glanced up   from his potential client-hell, what was her name even? He couldn't   remember. All he could see running in an endless cycle was Chessy's   stricken, devastated look when she'd seen him in the bar with another   woman. On their anniversary night when Chessy had been forced to leave   after cold food had gone wasted and she'd withstood the humiliation of   being stood up. On their anniversary.

God, she'd asked if he was cheating on her, and he'd never even given   her an answer. And even he had to admit how bad it looked for him. To   have been with another woman in the same restaurant where his wife   waited. What kind of flaming bastard did it make him to have pulled a   stunt like that? At the time he'd thought it was the best way to have   his cake and eat it too. Court a prospective client over drinks for   fifteen minutes and then walk a few yards farther into the restaurant   where his beautiful wife waited and then they'd kick off their   anniversary weekend and have two whole days to love and celebrate   another year.

Was she even now lying in bed in the guest room worrying and dying a   little with each breath over the thought that he'd been unfaithful to   her? He couldn't stand the idea of her thinking it a minute longer. He   wanted to charge down there, confront her now and get everything out of   the way so they both slept easier tonight.

But that was his selfish, inconsiderate side rearing its ugly head, and   it was clear he'd been selfish for far too long in their relationship.   She'd asked for time and, goddamn it, no matter how it ate at him, no   matter that he wouldn't sleep a single minute, he'd give her the time   she asked for. But in the morning? Things were going to be sorted out.

Then again, he knew this wasn't something to be resolved with one simple   conversation or a few hours of heart-to-heart communication. It would   take time and effort on his part to win back her trust-and her love.  The  two went hand in hand in his book. All solid marriages enjoyed  both.  Love and trust. One couldn't exist without the other. She hadn't  really  answered his question as to whether she still loved him. All  she'd said  was that she'd always loved him. Past tense.

That scared the holy hell out of him.

He couldn't imagine his life without Chessy. He loved her with his heart   and soul. But he hadn't shown her his love in a very long time, and   actions spoke far louder than words, a token "I love you" from time to   time. He'd taken advantage of her love and he'd put her second, maybe   even third or fourth on his priorities, a fact that shamed him to his   soul and a mistake that would likely haunt him for the rest of his life.





FIVE


DAWN filtered through the window treatments of Chessy and Tate's bedroom   and Tate sat in the sitting area, all decorated with Chessy's loving   hand and eye for detail. She'd made their house more than just a   residence, a place to exist. She'd made it a comfortable home that   immediately made him feel at ease the minute he walked through the door   after a long day at work. Because it had her stamped all over it. Every   piece of furniture. Every decoration, picture. All of it represented   her. Just being in one of the rooms she'd decorated was like having her   presence there even when she herself wasn't in the room, and it had   always comforted Tate.