Wills was talking too much, too fast. A prisoner banged on the bars of a cell and others joined in, hollering. Javier shouted something at me in Spanish. "You mind shutting the fuck up?" I asked both of them. "And move your shit off my bed."
Wills raised his palms but got to work. "Just trying to catch you up."
"What day is it?"
"Let me check my agenda and get back to you."
"Fuck you. When's the next visitation?"
"Two days, but you've been gone months, brother. You think your girl will remember?"
Two-and-a-half months was a lifetime to a twenty-year-old. I ran my hand back and forth over my hair. It was getting down to my ears. I needed a cut, a fresh shave, and about thirty hours of sleep. But first, I needed to call Tiffany to let her know I was out.
Javier stared at me and made the sign of the cross.
"What's his problem?" I asked.
"I think he thinks this place is haunted. Something about the prison being built on a cemetery."
I went to look through the bars of the window. I needed to see something other than gray concrete. But then, I thought better of it, turning to lean my back against a wall so I could see the whole room. So I could see Wills.
"Why you looking at me like that?" he asked.
A guard came down our aisle, tapping his baton against bars and walls. My heart beat unnaturally hard. "You knew I'd lose my shit," I said to Wills. "You pushed me anyway."
"I had no idea you'd go that far. Swear on my life. Swear on Kaya's life."
"I don't believe you."
"You think I'd tell a lie on my daughter's life, you piece of shit?"
"Yeah, I do. You're the piece of shit here, not me."
Wills got quiet. That was a first. Normally, he'd step up, accuse me of being a pussy or of showing disrespect. "You would've killed Ludwig," he said. "Over nothing."
"It wasn't nothing."
"I saw it in your eyes, some kinda . . ." He hovered his hand over his face, up and down. "This blankness, man. We all saw it. He'd be dead if Jameson hadn't been there."
I knew the look he was talking about. Unfortunately, it'd been passed down. Now that it'd happened once, had I broken some kind of seal? Would it happen again? How careful did I need to be? I was suddenly exhausted. Maybe this was my nighttime, I wasn't sure. I'd lost track of when and how many hours I'd slept in isolation. My temples pounded with the heat and incessant noise. There was only one way to calm myself down quickly. "You better put a cigarette in my hand right fucking now, and I want a carton by the end of the day."
"A carton? Are you mental?"
"I don't know. Try me."
Wills looked at me like he didn't know me, like I hadn't been his cellmate the past year. And then he got me a cigarette. Yeah, well, fuck him. He seemed different to me, too.
In the cafeteria later, men stepped aside to let me get my food first. Some kid I didn't recognize gave me his seat at a table. I didn't take it. I sat alone with my back to the wall, watching inmates and guards.
A group of men passed me. "Respect," one of them said. That was what almost killing a CO had earned me. I forked green beans into my mouth, watching the guys until they sat. Wills kept his distance. Something had changed. I was one of the bigger guys in the prison, but that wasn't news. There were men in here who'd done more heinous things than nearly strangle a man to death. The difference now, I guessed, was that I'd gone blank in the face, as Wills had put it. I was unpredictable. At any moment, I could snap for no reason. I could hurt someone.
The thing that got me through was the fact that I had a court date. That was a good thing. It was the first step to my release. I would've been fine to work and smoke and sleep until then, but when Friday came around, Tiffany showed.
I'd just smoked three cigarettes in a row and felt a little woozy after my extended break. I wasn't even sure I wanted to see her, but when I did, I was glad she'd come. She'd dressed up for me, even more than usual. Hair, makeup, a velvety red dress, heels, the whole nine.
Tiffany's mouth fell open as I approached. I leaned down to kiss her cheek, but she threw her arms around my neck and wouldn't let go.
"Enough, inmate," a guard called over the crowd.
She smelled of something sweet, some kind of berry, and she was soft. Everything had been so hard up until now, and she was so damn soft, but I couldn't bring myself to put my arms around her. I didn't know if she was still mine, if she ever really had been. After the past few months, nobody and nothing felt like it belonged to me. "Tiff."
"Oh my God," she whispered in my ear.
"Sutter." The CO had gotten out the bullhorn so everyone turned to us. "Don't make me come over there."