"Do you know what you're telling me Matthew? You're telling me that my happiness is at the expense of yours." That shit threw me for a hot minute and that sick feeling burned a hole in my gut.
"What the fuck, where'd you come up with that one? You're slipping Einstein, that shit’s not even cool bro." Fuck have I really been making him feel like that? Shit never crossed my mind, I’ve just been feeling lost. I’d passed up the opportunity to graduate a year early so that I could wait for my little brother. I’ve always been aware that this small town was too stifling for him somehow. So I’d convinced myself early on that I had to stay and keep watch over him until we could both get out together. Besides as close as we are it was the only thing that made sense.
Maybe that was part of Patti’s problem, the fact that I was so over protective of my brother. The fact that we’re so close and that I always looked out for him. There were times when I’d put him before her and it had driven her crazy, maybe I should’ve learned from that. Now our lives have been changed in ways I hadn’t been prepared for. We' re still getting out, only now he's got his wife and I've got shit. Shit, that doesn't even sound right in my head. Was I really that fucked up that I begrudged my brother his happiness? No fucking way, not even a little bit. Whatever was going on inside my head had nothing to do with envy, and everything to do with disappointment in myself.
"I never meant to make you feel that way bro I'm happy as fuck for you and lil sis you know that. I just...I feel a little adrift right now you know, no biggie it'll pass." He studied me for a minute without saying anything until I was ready to ask him what the fuck!
"One of those things worrying you wouldn't happen to be school would it?"
I just looked at him without saying a word. What was there to say after all? The truth is I always had my life mapped out. I was going to go off to college with Josh in tow and Patti would follow me wherever I ended up. We'd get married eventually, move back here and have about six kids. Fuck, how did I not know she was a psychotic bitch?
Finally I just nodded my head; after all he'd just pull it out of me anyway, brainy fuck.
"No worries bro, we've already got it covered."
"Who's we and what did you cover?"
"Carrie and I, she went snooping and found your acceptance letter. Imagine my surprise when you didn't tell me about it. Did you think I forgot what you'd always planned bro? Shame on you."
"Carrie was snooping in my room?"
"Yep that's the price you pay for making her feel like she fucked up your life. By the way cut that shit out, if she sulks over it one more time it’s gonna be your ass.”
“What did you do bro?”
“Signed you up of course, the fuck you think I did?”
I wasn’t sure if to be mad or grateful, I wasn’t even sure I wanted to go anymore. And that was just bullshit.
“Promise me you don’t hold me responsible for anything she did.” Fuck where the hell had that come from? I wasn’t even aware that I had that in me that my mind had taken me there. Maybe it was good that we were having this talk after all. My brother studied me like I was missing a few marbles; little did he know I’ve been feeling like it here lately. What guy wanted to wake up one day and realize the girl he thought he loved was capable of setting an innocent young girl up to be raped? I had no idea what to do with any of this shit. While the rest of the world had gone on with life as usual I was trapped in a place inside myself that would not let me forget what a complete fool I’d been. Tough guy Matt Steele was nothing more than a blind fool. How could I trust anything ever again?
“Are you high Matthew?”
“The fuck? Of course not why would you ask me that?” Is that what my family thought?
“No reason I’m just trying to figure out why you’re talking like an asshole, sorry.”
“I can’t help it bro, this shit is messing with my head. How could I not have known what she was? I wasted three years of my life on that shit.”
“Well if you feel that way about it why would you give her another day?”
“Come again?”
“This shit you’re doing, it’s letting her win. She has that much control over you bro, that’s on you. She did her thing now she’s gone, you need to move the fuck on.”
“Dude are you seventeen or seventy; your old wise ass.” I punched his shoulder playfully; it was the first time I’d had any physical contact with anyone in what felt like forever. My brother and I have always been the rumble tumble type. One of us was always thumping the shit out of the other, it’s how we communicated that love we had for each other. Even that had been sullied, somehow I felt like I’d lost that right. I’d failed him in the worst way possible and now I didn’t know how to get us back. Dude you are totally turning bitch; I shook my head at my inner musings.
“Fuck you bro.” he returned the punch with a grin and I felt that sore place inside ease just a little.
“Nice way to talk to the wounded Steele.” I turned to look at my new sister in law as she joined us.
“There she is, what’re you doing down here Lamb, I thought you said you were tired?”
“I was but then I rolled over and you were gone.”
She came over and stood next to him, her hand going automatically to his hair. That didn’t last long before he was pulling her down into his lap. Not long after that the disgusting face sucking commenced.
“Seriously? I think mom and dad need to build some sort of stall out back for you two animals.” They totally ignored me so I went back to brooding for all of five seconds.
“I was just telling big brother how he’s going to be rooming with us at university.”
“Uh you didn’t tell me that part bro you only told me about the snooping princess.”
“That’s because my baby came out here and I got distracted.” And they were at it again it was enough to give a guy a complex.
“Why don’t I find something to do elsewhere while you two fornicate on the patio? Never mind that I was sitting out here minding my business first.” So I was sulking sue me.
“Your brother’s being an old woman again crazy boy.”
“That hurts, later.” I got up to leave but her next words stopped me cold.
“See I told you, he resents me, if I hadn’t come along Patricia wouldn’t have lost her mind and did what she did.”
I looked over my shoulder to see if she was playing around but the look on my brother’s face gave me room for doubt.
“That’s stupid Carrie, I don’t think any such thing, I just…you guys just got married you need your alone time.” Lame Matt.
“That’s what the honeymoon was for bro, now we’re back and it’s get your head out of your ass time.”
“Josh…”
“Ssh babe I got this. You want to be a jerk go right ahead bro but you won’t make Lamb feel like a stranger in her own home, especially not over that bitch who isn’t worth a moment’s thought.” They got up to leave and I felt like shit, was I really that bad? Shit I thought I was doing a better job of hiding my shit, it’s the reason I was keeping mostly to myself these days. Looks like I couldn’t even get that right either.
I walked over to them and took my life in my hands by hugging my new sister in law. Yeah my brother is that fucking gone, he doesn’t like anyone to touch her.
“I’m sorry I made you feel that way lil sis I don’t feel that way at all I promise.”
“Then what is it Matt why won’t you tell us?” She looked so sad as she asked me that and I knew if I made her cry my brother would take a swing at me.
“Because I don’t really know, I don’t know what I should be doing next. It’s like I woke up out of a coma or some shit and forgot how to do everything. All the plans I had went up in smoke now I have to start all over again, only I don’t know where to start.” Jeez Steele, can you sound like anymore of a douche? I think I lost my balls or some shit, maybe I should go check, make sure they were still hanging.
“Do you miss her?” She was watching me like she had all the answers, like if I said yes I miss the witch that had almost cost her her life she would be ready with the solution.
“That’s just it lil sis, I don’t. Whatever I felt for her died when she fucked with my brother, and that’s what’s so confusing. I think I’m more pissed at the lost time than anything else. What did I miss you know? My whole high school experience pretty much revolved around us, now I feel like a fucking idiot. How can I trust anything anymore if I let someone like that get so close to my family?”
“You Steele boys really need to lighten up. You act like old men who’ve seen and done it all. We’re teenagers Matt, we’re supposed to mess up. You have your whole life ahead of you there’s no reason to let this thing destroy your happiness any longer. Besides it’s messing with crazy boy and I don’t like it so cut it out.” They’re a pair, he threatens for her and she threatens for him. I found my first smile in weeks as I squeezed her before letting go.
“I don’t want you two worrying about me, I just need some time to get my head straight and then I’ll deal. Thanks for taking care of the whole university thing I almost forgot.”