All the things I could tell you,
All the things I could show you”
I leaned to one side listening to the song, my heart aching for his touch even though I knew his touch now would only wither my heart away. Maybe that’s what I wanted. Maybe that’s what I need just to wither away into nothingness.
“You’re my waking fault,
You’re the smile on my lips,
I dream I see your face,
I see and dream of you”
I brought the wine to my lips and gulped it down. I poured myself another and did the same. I wanted to mask the pain. To hide the evidence that he still existed. Yet here I was listening to sad music and crying. Only for today because tomorrow I was going to be different, tomorrow was a dawn of a new day in my life, sans Lukas.
You were safe and warm,
I was in your hands,
We were moved in time,
To another space,
Somewhere, not here,
I heard a knock at my door, shit it must have been the music it wasn’t the first time this week I was told to keep it down.
“I know, I know.” I said as I opened the door. “I’m sorry I know the music is a little too loud. I’ll try to keep it down.” I stood frozen. My blood ran cold and my body stood still.
“Alexia.” Lukas’ voice was rough and low almost like rugged murmur.
“You always said that this song reminded you of me and of us.” He said again.
Instinctive I slammed the door but he put his foot out stopping it from closing. I tried pushing it shut but he was stronger than me. He pushed the door open almost making me fall.
“Close the door Alexia.” He ordered his voice still rough and low.
The song still played as we both stood in my new home. I contemplated leaving. I was calculating how long it would take me till he caught up to me.
“Don’t bother. Jacob is downstairs. There’s nowhere for you to go.” He said loud enough that it nearly drowned out the song I had loved so much till he showed up in my life and fucked it all up. I gave up and slowly closed the door.
“Look at me.” He ordered again. But instead of listening to him and following his orders I began to laugh and snicker. Tears stung my eyes as strong defiance inside me grew. He stood quiet as I began to laugh hysterically. I collapsed onto the floor, my mind and body confused with the conflicting emotions I was feeling.
“You have to be kidding me right?” I said laughing.
I slowly stood up holding onto the door to keep myself steady. I turned around and glared at him. He looked perfect, not one ounce of him had changed. Meanwhile I was nothing but a ghost of who I was. My perfect billionaire Suit watched me as I laughed and cried.
“You came in here, into my new little home and already you’re ordering me around? Who the hell do you think you are?” I asked.
“You left me without one word and you think you have rights to asked about who the hell am I?” He roared. All the air in me escaped and I was left trying to catch my breath.
“Today I was going to marry you, today I was going to pledge my fucken life to you but you left me. You are the one who left ME!” He began to yell.
“You know why I left!” I fired back.
“Fine I made a mistake but you didn’t have to throw me away like I was nothing to you!” He barked.
“You decided on your own to control and rule my life. You had no right to do that Lukas! Do you have any idea how humiliating and degrading that was? Have you any clue how it feels to wake up one morning and be told the dream you had was just that, a fucken dream. You used money to buy me a life. You didn’t even give me that chance to grow or learn. You decided it all on your own. Like I was some sort of child that needed protecting.” I screamed.
“I did it because I loved you.” He roared. Loved? I began to cry uncontrollably.
“I’m stronger than what you think, but no you took it upon yourself to fix it without me knowing. I walked everyday in that fucken museum with my head held high thinking my efforts got me there but it was all you. You, who threw some money at them taking away my pride and my confidence, making me some kind of charity case.” My eyes blurred and I couldn’t see him properly. I could feel my body shaking.
“Alexia?” Lukas said in a panic. The room around me began to spin. “I need to sit.” I tried moving around but Lukas moved in closer and picked me up holding me close.
“Let me go” I said meekly. But he ignored me. He placed me slowly onto the couch.
I barely remember him leaving me and getting me water, but he held a glass for me to take. I tried to take it but my hands shook too much. He lifted it to my lips and made me drink it.
“You haven’t eaten.” He quietly seethed.