“Very nice!” Squealed Roxi. It was. It had stone covering all four stories. The only bad thing was it had no elevator. It wasn’t bad for me it only meant my mother wouldn’t come as often, but neither would my friends I loved them but let’s face it they were lazy.
I piled on as many boxes I could carry and headed up with both my father and Roxi. Once we reach my door Roxi nearly fell over.
“You realize I won’t be visiting as often as I used to.” She said trying to catch her breath. I unlocked the door revealing an empty space.
“Just throw the boxes on the floor don’t worry about the rest of the stuff. “What about furniture?” My father asked.
“Don’t worry its being delivered.” I took the last of the money I had from working and used it to buy a bed and a couch. Thank god my mother saved my desk.
My father left the moment the last box was in, Roxi however stayed with me.
“Any news from dickhead?” She asked as she started to opened the boxes and taking out my things.
“No” I said bluntly.
“Okay.” She answered “Want to elaborate?” She asked looking up at me from the floor.
“No.” I said again.
“Baby girl, you’re going to have to talk about this. It might not be today but you will have to. You can’t self destruct like you used to. It’s not healthy.” She said anxiously.
“Can you take the towels and place them in the bathroom, there’s a small closet inside.” I ignored her and started to give her direction to where I wanted my things to go.
“Passive aggressive much.” She noted as she stood up from the floor and followed my orders.
After a few hours I had pretty much everything in order except for my furniture which was coming later on in the afternoon.
“You want to eat?” She asked as she piled up the boxes to take them outside.
“No I’m good. Why don’t you go now? I pretty much done and all I have to do is wait for the furniture to come.” I half smiled.
“You want to be alone, don’t you?” She asked.
“yes.” I finally mustered up an honest answer.
“Ok I’m going. Call me if you need anything.” I nodded and thanked her.
I was finally left alone in my new space. The silence was deafening. I held onto the deadbolt for I don’t even know how long until I slowly slid to the floor and began to cry out.
Lukas was my world and I had walked out on him and everything that I had grown to love.
“FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!” I yelled angry at what had happened. Why hadn’t Lukas at least followed me like he used to? At least to give me that closure I needed. I seriously was a fuck up. Why was my mind always on him? How he was, where he was, what was he doing? Why couldn’t I at least concentrate on getting my life back on track? The buzzer went off. It must have been the movers from the furniture store. I peeled myself off the floor and again pushed it all back, not wanting to deal with it anymore.
Somewhere Not Here
It had been a week since I had moved in completely. Furniture check. Internet check. Integrated speakers check. Wine rack stocked and full ready for me to drink, check. I had just finished a long shift at Stella’s, thank god for her. I figured I needed baby steps to getting back into the real world and at least getting some of my confidence back. I gave myself permission to cry about my Lukas once a day, the tears lessened each time.
Today was a special day I needed to get a little drunk. Roxi and Kaci offered to stay with me but I didn’t want them to. Today I wanted to let go of everything. It was a year ago today that I had gotten into a relationship with Lukas Blakk. It would have been today that I would have married him. Funny how things happen, one minute you’re in the happiest place you’ve ever been in and the next you’re in a living hell.
I busied myself with preparing some food, which I wasn’t probably going to eat. I had lost about fifteen pounds in the last three months, my appetite hadn’t really come back yet but I figured after today everything would change. I put on the entire album of Alpha, one of my favorite trip hop bands out there. The song Somewhere Not Here began to play and the tight little knots that I had so carefully placed around my heart began to unravel. The lyrics hit so close to home that it nearly broke me just hearing them but I didn’t change the song, rather I sat with my glass of wine and a table full of food and listened.
“I remember when you came,
I can just recall that day,
Unexpected, undetected.”
I brought my knees to my chest and wrapped my arms around them holding my glass of wine.
“A paradise, within your eyes,