There was no time to stand around feeling sorry for myself. School was starting in less than two hours and I still had to shower, do my hair, and get there. The hot water helped some. I kept my chest turned toward it and some of the burning subsided. This wasn't what I expected, but according to all the websites I visited, these things were all pretty common.
And apparently, it'd get worse before it got better, so at least I had that to look forward to.
When I stepped out of the shower, I couldn't fight the urge to crawl beneath the blanket just one last time, so I gave in. It felt like I could just sleep all day. On top of everything else, I was beginning to feel the weight of depression coming down. It didn't help that Naseem had been distant. I hadn't heard from him other than the text he sent days ago asking how I felt. Even that was only because he accidentally sent me a message meant for someone else and ignoring me after he apologized would've been awkward.
I couldn't blame him for being distant, but I won't lie and say I didn't miss hearing from him. I already felt so lonely with all I was going through. However, Naseem had every right to exit our friendship if that was what he decided.
I gave myself five minutes to rest in my bed and then I got up to finish getting ready. I removed my scarf and only needed to run a comb through my hair, letting it fall to my shoulders. I slipped into my clothes and then spritzed a little perfume on my wrists. Sure enough, not right away, but within a matter of seconds, my stomach turned once the scent got to me and I rushed to the bathroom again, hovering over the toilet.
I wasn't sure how much more of this I could take.
Cleaning myself up again, I finally got around to doing my makeup. At this rate I was gonna have to start getting up about an hour earlier just to get out the door on time.
Even the drive to the school was touch and go. Twice I had to pull over, thinking this kid I was carrying would get the best of me yet again. However, both times I stopped were false alarms, nothing but dry heaving.
Slowly, I made my way through the halls to the teacher's lounge, desperate to get something fizzy in my stomach to settle it. My dollar was taken into the vending machine and then the can tumbled down with a thud. I snatched it up quickly and headed for the door.
More than halfway to my classroom, I was reminded of something Mona mentioned the last time we spoke. There was still the not-so-small technicality regarding the morality clause I may or may not have signed when I got hired. Time had made the memory foggy. There were so many forms to read and sign; there was definitely a chance that the clause Mona signed as a stipulation of employment years ago was still in place when I came on the scene.
If that was the case, I'd have to add a job search to my list of things to worry about.
"Morning," Tamika greeted me when I stepped into her office. With our annex being so small, there was no need for a separate administrative building-there was just the main office and this one. All employee records were kept in-house.
I tried to smile back, but I was pretty sure it came across as more of a snarl as my stomach churned yet again. Judging by the look on Tamika's face, my assessment was spot-on; I was snarling.
"Is everything okay?" she asked. "You don't look so good."
I nodded and tried smiling again. "Yup, I'm good. Just didn't get a great night's sleep."
That response satisfied her. "Well, at least you don't have a field trip today like the third grade teachers do," she responded with a light laugh. "So be grateful."
And I was. There was no way I could handle that right now, keeping an eye on all my kids in a wide-open setting. Nope. Not today. Today I needed easy.
"There something I can help you with?" she asked, sounding chipper as always.
I stepped closer to the counter that separated her desk from the reception area of the office. When I did, I gripped the edge of the surface, talking myself out of upchucking right there on the carpet.
Control yourself, Brynn. You have to keep it together.
Swallowing hard, I gathered my thoughts. "Well, I have a couple things to do before the kids get in, but first," I started, "I thought I'd stop in and ask if you'd mind making me a copy of my employment contract? There's just something I wanted to look over."
Tamika cast a curious stare my way, clearly wondering what the concern was, but she didn't ask questions. "Sure," she said sweetly, standing from her seat to head for the file room. With her gone, I didn't have to pretend like I was okay. My stomach swam and I sipped my Coke, hoping to settle it.
Within minutes, Tamika returned with what I requested and handed the papers over. "Here you go."
I accepted the small stack and replied with a forced, "Thank you," before leaving.
The second I reached my desk, I took a breath and shoved the papers inside the drawer, thinking I'd give myself a few hours to process everything before my fate was decided. In the time I had left, I stapled the math packets I needed to hand out and when the bell rang, I was glad for the fresh air outside where I waited to get my students who'd ridden the bus. Once I got everyone to the classroom and settled, they worked on their journal entries in silence. My favorite little helper, Izzy, always finished before the others and liked to help me pass out assignments. I happily handed over that task and, with her help, I pushed through our morning routine.
By lunch, I was worn out. With my students gone to the cafeteria, I figured this was as good a time as any to give reading the contract another try. I started flipping through the info, hoping and praying I didn't find that clause. If I did, my future at St. Ann's hung in the balance and my situation was about to become a whole lot more complicated.
My heart was pounding. Without giving it a second thought, I dialed Mona for support before going any further.
"Hello?" she answered on the first ring, and it was at that exact moment that I realized what a big day this was for her.
My hand went to my forehead. "I'm so sorry for bugging you. Today's your first day. It completely slipped my mind."
She'd landed a great job as Vice Principal at a middle school within weeks of arriving in Atlanta.
"Girl, it's fine. I'm in my office eating lunch. You're definitely not bugging me."
I smiled and relaxed a little. "I'm so proud of you. Ced, too! You guys are really doing it big out there."
Mona let out a breath on the other end. "Yeah, maybe … but we miss you. Feels kinda strange being here with you all the way in Houston."
My heart felt heavy at her words. I missed them, too-like they wouldn't believe. They were the only family I had and now they were hundreds of miles away. I felt that distance so much more with what I was going through.
"I know you'll be in town for your birthday in a few months, but I'm coming to visit you all out there as soon as I can," I promised.
"Your room is already ready whenever you get here. I'm even looking into having a crib put in there so the little munchkin will have a place to sleep."
We were both quiet after that and I eyed the papers in my hand.
"Wow … I still can't believe you're having a baby."
A solemn chuckle left my mouth. "That makes two of us."
"You feeling okay? Is something wrong? You don't sound like yourself."
It wasn't a shock that Mona detected my mood being off. Still, though, I was hesitant to share my thoughts. The last thing I wanted to do was sully her good mood, her first day on the new job, with my drama.
"Brynn?" she said sternly when I didn't respond, reminding me of my mother.
I smiled a little. "I'm fine. I just … I have my contract in my hands and can't bring myself to go through it. What if-" I paused when the weight of it all became heavier. "What if I lose my job over this? I won't be able to support myself, let alone a baby."
This was all so crazy to me; how one day things were easy and now, not a single aspect of my life remained uncomplicated.
"You do know you're welcome to come here, don't you? With me and Ced? With my new position, I'm positive I could find you something within the school district. And hell, it's not like we don't have enough room in this big house your brother insisted on buying."
Her offer warmed my heart, but hopefully I wouldn't have to consider relocating.
"Thanks. I appreciate you, Mona."
"You're welcome, and I meant every word," she added. Beyond the shadow of a doubt, I knew she did. "Once you do read it, once you know where you stand," she clarified, "I'm here if you need to talk, so just call."
"You already know I will."
We ended our call and I snacked on an orange and some crackers while getting up the nerve to flip to the next page of my paperwork. I'd never known of anyone in my particular career dilemma, so I decided to pull out my phone to search Google for similar instances, but I never got around to typing in the question because my cell began to vibrate in my hand.