Chapter 1
Lyric
Now
I'm rushing out the door from my job so I can get to the school before the latch key program ends. I'm getting in my ninety-nine Chrysler Cirrus that's seen better days. It's a piece of shit but it's mine. The heater doesn't work so well or at all. We still have to wear coats even though it's early spring. I keep blankets in the back to keep the twins warm when they're in here. I put the key in the ignition and say a silent prayer as I turn the ignition over. The car starts up and I give a fist pump because the old girl started. I pull out of the Office Park where I work and head north on Richmond Rd. I stop at the light and blow into my hands to try and warm them up. I wish I could afford a new car or at least new to me car. I look at the car next to me and it's a 2015 GMC Arcadia. I look at the car longingly. I know I would never be able to afford a car like that. The light turns green and I start down the road again. I wonder what he would think of me if he could see me now. He's probably married and has a couple of kids. I probably don't even cross his mind. That thought makes my heart ache. I shake off my thoughts and return to the task at hand.
I get to Breckinridge Elementary with just minutes to spare. I walk to the front door and hit the buzzer so I can get the twins. As I walk down the hall I hear Jasmine crying and I take off running.
"It'll be okay sissy. It doesn't matter what that jerk face says and if you want I'll go find him and punch him in the nose for you." Jameson says to her.
I get down on my knees in front of her and she climbs on to me.
"What's wrong baby?" I ask her
"Mitch said that me and Jamie are bastards and that we always will be because we don't have a daddy. He said that his mom and dad said you're a whore. That's why you got pregnant when you was still in school. The guy left because he didn't want you or us." She says with a whimper.
"I was excited that I was going to be a mommy to you both. It doesn't matter what other people say about us. Your daddy's on a special trip and if he were here he would tell you the same thing. How about when we get home I'll get your pictures of your daddy and Aunt Delia Nicole out and I'll help you two write them letters." I say to them as I try and reign in my temper.
They shake their little heads okay and tell me that they would like that. It breaks my heart that my babies don't know their dad or Auntie Nic and vice versa. I don't know where they are where to begin to look for either of them. Neither him or Nic have social media pages. I've looked for them through the years. I know they grew up in a small town in Michigan. I looked up their parent's address. The letters were returned and the numbers were disconnected. I saw that their parents died in an article on-line. I knew then that's why the letters were returned.
I get the children situated in the car. I say another silent prayer as I turn the ignition. The car roars to life and I fist pump again. I look in the rear view mirror and see the twins have done the same as me. I laugh and shake my head. I tell them that we're silly as I put the car in gear and head for home. When we arrive at home I open the garage with the automatic door opener and pull in. I get the kids out of the car and they race into the door of the house. We've lived here since I found out I was pregnant with them. The place is a little expensive but it's in a good neighborhood and it's quiet. I get in the house and make my way upstairs. The kids have gone down to their room. Pretty soon were going to need three bedrooms. The kids will need their own spaces. Either that or I'll have to give up my room and sleep in the living room. That's not something I want to do. I'll have to keep an eye out for something bigger. I look at my home and I have a sense of pride knowing everything here I bought. I stopped asking my mom Ali to buy my personal items at the age of fifteen. I had to grow up fast at a young age. and I've been paying for everything I own since. It makes me proud to know I'm independent. I don't have to rely on men to support me like Ali always has. The furniture's from a rent here buy here place but I paid it off quickly. The twins have bunk beds that are separated and they each have their own side of the master bedroom. Jamie's side has Star Wars all over his wall as well as the bed set and he seems to think he's a Jedi. Jazz's side is Disney Princesses and she also has the princesses on her walls. She has a little canopy hanging from the ceiling to cover her bed with the sheer curtains she wanted. She has the comforter set to go along with it. With them having the bigger room they have the walk in closet that holds their clothes and toys. It works out better for them and for me. My room is a bit smaller but I do have a queen size bed with a dresser and chest of drawers along with a night stand. The TV is on the dresser in front of my bed. I'm proud of the life I've made for them and myself. I sometime wonder what Ali would think about my life. Then I remember the evil venom she used to treat me with. I would never subject my children to the hostility I was raised in. I vowed to myself the day I found out I was pregnant that I wouldn't be the kind of parent Ali was. I would show my children I loved them. I would put them first in every decision I made. I pride myself on knowing that I'm keeping that promise to them and myself.
Chapter 2
Lyric
Then
I'm looking out the open window at the house next door. There's a moving truck in the driveway. There's a guy and girl around my age out there. The guy has shoulder length dirty blonde hair. The girl has a pixie cut the same color and they are unloading their stuff. I wonder where they moved from? I'm making up stories of where they've been or where they used to live. Ali comes storming in my room yelling at me. She's either drunk or high but probably both. She's screaming at me because I did not buy something she wanted at the store on my way home. I look out the window one last time before closing it and find two sets of green eyes looking at me. My face gets red from embarrassment and I turn quickly. Ali is right there with her hand up and smacks me across the face. She hits me with as much strength as she could muster. I don't move because that'll just piss her off more. She'd start to use her fist to punish me for what she deems my wrong doing. I swear she gets enjoyment out of causing me pain or humiliation. She tells me all the time how I ruined her life. She could've stayed married to the man of her dreams if it hadn't been for me. I think to myself she could've stayed with this man if she'd not been a fucking slut whore spreading her legs for everyone. I've never meet the man she married. I wonder sometimes if he's my dad. I do know one thing, she's the one that fucked up the relationship though.
I'm in my bed hoping that sleep will come soon. I hate when mom has her friends over. All they do is listen to music to loud, drink, and do various amounts of drugs. I need sleep so I'm not dog ass tired at work in the morning. I try to stay as quit as possible. I don't want her to come in my room and start an argument or fight with me. Her friend Pete is the friendliest to me out of all of her friends. I think he knows who my dad is. He's never said anything to me about it. I haven't asked because I'm afraid he'll go back and tell Ali I've been asking questions. He came in my room once and told me I was just as pretty as my mom was at my age. That's what makes me think he knows my dad or at least knows of him. I think he's lying about me being as pretty as her but whatever. He's been coming around more the past couple months. He looks at me all the time. It's like he's looking for something to change or be different about me. I don't think too much about it most of the time but it's kind of creepy.
My stomach has started hurting bad and I just want to go to sleep. As I start to drift to sleep I wonder what it would be like to have a mom, dad, and grandparents that love me. I wake to the sensation of having to pee. I don't want to go out of my room and have Ali cause a scene. It's quiet out there right now but they could still be awake. I try holding it as long as possible. I leave my sanctuary and tiptoe to the bathroom before I pee my pants. I hope and pray nobody's awake. I lock the door and dance around until my pants are unzipped and around my knees. Oh boy that feels amazing I sigh as my bladder releases. My back's hurting a little again and I figure it's from holding my pee in for so long. I wipe and look down and there's blood on the toilet paper. I try to find a pad in the bathroom but there's nothing in here that I can use. This is a fucking nightmare. I look around and see the last washcloth in the cabinet. If Ali finds out what I used it for she'll be pissed. All well I have to use it. I'll get pads in the morning before I clock in and put it on my credit. I've never had to get pads before because this is my first period. I know I'm starting late. From what I've read it's because of low body weight or something like that. I wish I had a mother that I could tell stuff like this too; but I can't so I deal.