Filthy Beautiful Lust(21)

I shovel several forkfuls of pasta into my mouth, knowing I'm going to  need the fuel, and grab my keys and wallet, then take off out the door.





Kylie





As I hang up the phone, a wave of nausea hits me, and I'm terrified I'm  doing the wrong thing. There is no guidebook on how to be a single  mother, or what to do when your baby-daddy calls you unexpectedly. I  believed the right thing to do was probably to give him a chance. A  chance for Max to have a real family  –  instead of just me, trying to do  it all and barely keeping my head above water. And speaking of doing it  all, I've done too much today. My house is clean, and my laundry is  caught up, but my arm is sore and achy.

I curl up in bed, laying on my side as visions of last night with Pace  flood my brain. He'd been so strong, so commanding with his filthy words  and massively large cock, yet tender and sweet at the same time with  his concern over my casted arm. Just thinking of him produces a rush of  conflicting emotions. I guess it's true what they say about wanting what  you can't have. Even though he'd proven himself reliable, part of me  still believes that he's too young and too immature to really settle  down into the stable type of relationship I need right now.

Tears leak from the corners of my eyes and I hug my pillow to my chest.  My heart is heavy and I'm so confused about my path, but I have to  believe that if I put Max first, I will make the right decision.





Chapter Twelve


Pace





The florescent lights of the twenty-four-hour superstore shine brightly  overhead, momentarily disorienting me from my task. I'm staring at a  wall display of six different types of outlet covers. Given that it's  nearly two in the morning, my eyes are glazed over as I try to read the  packages to decipher the differences. Finally settling on one called  Universal Baby Saver, I toss it in my cart.

My cart is already overflowing. I've gathered soft fleece blankets,  teddy bears, balls, trucks, trains that make sounds, an inflatable  dragon, because who doesn't need an inflatable dragon? A have a small  piano, a bean bag chair, a talking dog that speaks in Spanish, English  and French, and all kinds of things that promise to keep drawers and  cabinets safely locked. I never knew there was so much to worry about  with little ones, or that there were so many dangers within my home.

Pushing the heavy cart toward the checkout lanes, I'm struck with a  thought. Collins encouraged me to fight for her, but what if Elan is  doing this same thing right now? Not knowing what I'm up against makes  me feel edgy. I know in my heart that I'm the better man for her. I  would never leave her scared and alone to deal with the after effects of  our actions. He's already left her once. Who's to say he won't do it  again when things get tough?

I stop at the checkout counter and the young cashier beams up at me. "Wow. Stocking up, huh?"

"Yeah, something like that." Even I have to admit, it's probably a  little odd to head out in the middle of the night and buy pretty much  one of everything at a superstore in the suburbs. But Kylie inspired  something inside of me. I feel different than I've ever felt before, and  I am going to fight for her.

After unloading my car and bringing all the baby stuff inside and  setting it up, it's nearly four in the morning. Time for some sleep.  Tomorrow will be a big day.





Kylie





I tossed and turned all night, so when Max wakes up crying at six in the  morning, I'm groggy and exhausted. I lift him one-armed from his crib  and change his soaking wet diaper. His newest discovery seems to be his  penis. Oh, joy. Every time I take his diaper off, he reaches down for it  and tugs and pulls, in what seems like it'd be a painful way, but he  doesn't seem bothered.

It only reminds me that I'm raising a boy  – complete with all the parts  and workings of a boy. He is going to need a man in his life. Sure, I  can have the birds and the bees talk with him, but I'm fully aware that  he would benefit from a man's perspective. Someone to discuss sports,  and women with. I picture myself muttering, Go ask your dad, and smile.  Until I realize it's not Elan in my mind's eye. It's Pace.

The smile falls from my mouth and I shake the thoughts away.

After Max is dressed and is quietly eating breakfast in his highchair, I make an extra strong cup of coffee and grab my phone.

I find a text from Pace sent at three in the morning. Wow, late night. I  find myself wondering who he was out with, and what he was doing. It's  not my business. His text is straight to the point.                       
       
           



       

I need to talk to you today.

I owe him that much at least. He's been so kind and generous with me and  Max. I kind of just stormed into his life, and then out of it. Not that  I would think a man like him would mind. I shrug away the sullen  thoughts and hit reply.

Sure. What did you have in mind?

Can you guys come by later? Stay for dinner?

I take a deep breathe. I want to reply, Yes, yes, yes! But I temper my  longing for a man that was never really mine to begin with. I need to  think about what is best for my son. I glance over at Max. Knowing how  much he enjoys being near Pace, and also that I owe Pace an explanation  in person, I decide maybe we should go.

I will be there.

A text message pings a few minutes later, and a silly smile graces my lips. I assume it's Pace replying. But it's Elan.

How are you and my son on this fine morning?

My stomach churns. I glance over at Max who's happily eating chunks of bananas and dry cereal.

We're fine, thanks.

It's strange to think I dated this man for six months, that we have a  child together, and yet I feel like I have nothing to say to him. I  suppose it's because we haven't spoken for so long. There's bound to be  some awkward silences as we reacquaint with one another.

What are you doing this weekend? I would like to see you again.

I chew on my lip.

Sure. We don't have any plans.

Okay, I will call you Saturday morning. We can meet for brunch.

I don't tell him that Max usually takes a nap late-morning, or that a  restaurant might not be the best place to meet. I don't want to crush  whatever this is building between us. He will learn how to be a father,  and I will help him.



***



I tote Max on my hip with the diaper bag slung over my arm. This whole  doing everything one-handed business is already getting old. And I have a  long ways to go before my cast will be removed. I take a deep breath  and try to calm my nerves.

"We're going to see Pace," I tell Max as we head upstairs toward Pace's condo.

"Pa-pa," he says, clapping his chubby hands.

"Pace," I correct him, my voice coming out more firm than I intended.

Pace opens the door before I even have a chance to knock. He must have been watching for us.

"Hi," I say.

"Hi." His eyes are guarded and I wonder how tonight is going to go. He  takes Max from me, lifting him into his arms and tossing him up in the  air to coax a laugh from him. "Hey buddy, you remember me?" he asks.

"Pa-pa," Max murmurs.

"That's right. Papa Pace." Pace beams at him and my stomach twists.

We step inside and a few things hit me at once. The scent of appetizing  food wafts from the kitchen and I notice new toys are scattered on the  living room rug. "Pace?" I ask.

He doesn't answer right away, he just carries Max into the living room and sets him down amongst the pile of toys.

I follow them, my heart beating fast. "What is all this?"

Pace sinks down to his knees and watches Max go after an inflatable  bouncy dragon. He chuckles. "I knew you'd like him," he says. Then he  turns to me, his smile faltering just a bit. "This is me showing you  that I am in this. I am not giving up on you, or on Max. If Elan's back  in Max's life  –  fine. But I'm not going anywhere."

My heart kicks in my chest as his words tug at me. I look around at the  pile of new playthings, there are books and age appropriate toys and  things for learning. Tears spring to my eyes. His thoughtfulness  shouldn't surprise me at this point, but no one has ever done something  so sweet and meaningful before. "What did you do?" I whisper, taking it  all in.

"I wanted Max to be comfortable here. I also wanted you to be  comfortable, so in addition to the toys, I did some baby-proofing. The  cabinets now have safety locks and the outlets all have covers."

I glance around his condo and notice the little plastic covers have been  inserted into all the wall outlets and the potted palm in the dining  room that Max liked to dig in is no longer resting in its spot in the  corner. I swallow down the lump rising in my throat. His gestures are  too much.

"Excuse me for a minute," I squeak and head into the bathroom, drawing  deep pulls of oxygen into my lungs as I lock the door behind me. Who is  this man? What happened to the cocky, smart-mouthed player? This man is  gentle and kind and …  my heart feels like it's breaking in two.