Definitely, Maybe in Love(56)

Julia nodded, gave me a hug that I barely felt, then disappeared up the stairs.

"You can leave, too," I said to Mel, pressing my fingertips over my eyelids.

"Yeah, not a chance. I'm making blueberry pancakes then we're getting pedicures. My treat."

"No, thanks," I said, trying to smile, but the fatigue of the past day's  events was weighing down my entire body. "Maybe tomorrow. I think I'll  just crash."

"You sure?"

I nodded. For a few minutes, Mel argued against leaving, but I was resolute, and finally, I was alone.

Too weary to climb two flights, I curled myself into a ball on the  couch, trying very hard to fight back the thing creeping its way into my  thoughts. Even if he'd assumed I was asleep, why would that stop him  from coming in? From seeing me? I scowled at my phone, which was just  sitting there, all void of new messages or calls. I closed my eyes and  wrapped my arms around my legs, thinking of him, missing him.

That glorious Fourth of July, as Henry and I curled around each other,  no official words were declared, no tender confessions divulged. I'd  chosen instead to let my actions speak. I thought he felt, knew what I  didn't know how to say.

But he hadn't come inside my house. Why?

He'd done this wonderful, magnanimous service to my little college  family, and then disappeared. Not calling attention to himself, simply  providing a service that only he could.

Spring, I don't know when I'll see you again. Those had been his last words to me. But what did they mean?

As I sat in the dark living room, watching shadows on the walls, it was  almost too easy, too obvious to realize I was in love with him, and  probably had been for a very long time. Being in love felt different  than I thought it would. I wasn't giving up a part of me or sacrificing  what I thought I was in order to love him. I'd gained, I'd  unfolded … evolved.

This made me smile; in fact, I almost laughed, but my smile broke when I  realized there would be no more study sessions at the library, no more  vacation trips to Washington, and no more surprise run-ins at his  family's house.

Was there anything left?





Chapter 36

"Dart said Henry went back home," Julia relayed. She had most of her  color back. Two solid days spent reuniting with the man she loved could  do that. We were in her bedroom, she was on the floor inside her closet,  reorganizing shoes.

"Oakland?" I asked, lifting my head off her pillow.

"First there, I think, then Montana," she answered.

Well, at least she hadn't said Tahiti. But still, the fact that he  could've been in Oakland, so close, and still no phone call, made my  heart feel like it was being crushed like a Styrofoam cup.

"So … do you know if he's coming back to school? Classes start in two months."

"I don't know," Julia admitted. "Dart moved back into the house across  the street this morning, but I don't know about Henry. I'm not sure Dart  does, either."

I was well acquainted with Henry's guarded form of communicating. I  wasn't surprised that he hadn't told Julia his plans while they were  driving back from Monterey. In all those hours he and I were together at  the ranch, I hadn't once asked him if he was returning to Stanford. I  hadn't broached the subject of where he'd disappeared to after that last  night at the library. For whatever reason, those didn't seem important  at the time. They seemed very important now.

"Huh," I replied breezily, trying to blow off this information. But  Julia was watching me, and I was positive she could read my eyes. I laid  back and covered my face with an arm.                       
       
           



       

I don't know when I'll see you again. His words rang in my ears.

"Have you called him?" she asked.

I nodded, my throat feeling tight. "I haven't been able to get ahold of  him since last spring. He was supposed to give me his new number, but I  left the ranch in such a hurry … " I forced my shoulders up into a shrug  then let them drop. "So whatever. If he calls, he calls."

"Uh-huh." Skepticism wrapped around Julia's tone.

I sat up and pushed my hair back. "I've been thinking about it, and I  decided the whole thing was too sappy. Love and boyfriends and  everything. So not me, right?" I forced myself to laugh in the sarcastic  manner that used to get me through uncomfortable moments. This time,  though, it sounded unnatural, and felt even worse.

"I don't care what you say, Spring. Every girl wants someone to be sweet  to her." She sat on the bed next to me. "Even cynics like you."

I knew she was trying to help, but her comment made my chest feel hollow  and achy. A short time ago, I didn't know how to love, but now I didn't  know how to do without love.

"You're fighting against your feelings, honey," she added. "I know how  exhausting that can be. So stop fighting and let it flow."

"Flow?" I echoed, giving her my famous flat eyes.

She lifted a smile and walked toward the door. "Yes. Go with the flow."  Just as she was about to leave, she turned back. "Do you want to hang  out with us tonight?"

"Thanks, but I don't think so." Honestly, the thought of being around a happy couple was enough to make me cry.

Julia nodded and opened the door.

"Bunny," I called, stopping her. "If I haven't told you, I'm really happy Dart's back and that you're, you know, okay."

"Me too." She folded her arms and leaned against the doorframe. "I made  mistakes, but I understand everything that happened now."

I swallowed. "You do?"

She nodded slowly.

"Jules, I didn't know how to tell you what I knew. I'm so-"

"It wasn't Henry's fault," she cut in. "Not really." She looked to the  side and exhaled. "Mistakes," she murmured to herself. "I made some, so  did Dart. We all do. But now, it's almost like we're better than before  because of it." She gazed off for a moment. "Every second we're  together, I appreciate him more and more. All that time apart, all that  wasted time. I'll never be shy about my feelings again. Life's too  short, too precious not to love whenever we can." She bit her lip,  blinking back tears. "I learned that the hard way."

"Yeah," I managed to choke out, and then watched her leave the room.

Later that evening, I sat alone on my bed. The sun had set hours ago,  but I hadn't moved from my room since Julia left. Downstairs, Anabel was  hosting an intimate party for twenty. I bowed out with the excuse about  needing to write my congressman.

My room was dim and cool, the only light coming from the streetlamp  outside my open window as sounds from the sidewalks below drifted up.  The moon was high and Stanford's summer populace was alive and ripe.

My fingers clasped behind my head and I stared up at the ceiling.  Thinking. Trying not to think. The night grew darker as evening  progressed. When I rolled over, my gaze moved naturally to the open  window. Just knowing his house, his empty bedroom, was across the street  crushed my Styrofoam heart anew. I quadruple-checked the ringer on my  phone. Never before had I experienced such a lack of control over my  thoughts.

Spring, I don't know when I'll see you again.

The intellectual part of me had no desire to keep mulling over the  possible meaning of Henry's last statement, so I forced it out. But with  no other occupation, my thoughts did wander around the memory of the  sound of his laugh … how we'd laughed together, how I admired his mind,  loved his music, how he'd kissed my braid-one of the sweet ways he  showed his acceptance and respect. The way he pushed my buttons just to  make me laugh at my own reaction. How he dealt with me and handled me  and let me go it alone, yet never took my crap.

The way he truly was so very good.

With my eyes closed, I imagined us in some future setting … whispering in the dark, sharing a pillow, asking how the other slept.

I drifted to the window and knelt down, resting my elbows and chin on  the sill. The cool night air felt nice. "He'll be back," I whispered. "I  know he'll be back." Just saying the words aloud made me feel slightly  better, as if my faith in us was enough. He'd had faith in us for all  those months, and now it was my turn.                       
       
           



       

I listened to the happy hums of the world below. As the breeze picked up  and knocked the blinds against the side of the window, I opened my  eyes, their gaze idly drifting across the street.

What they landed on made my blood stop cold. I blinked, sharpening my focus.

Parked crooked in his driveway was …

My Subaru.

I sprung out the third-story window, sliding down the ladder as fast as I could.