I can see myself laughing with Melissa, though. She's so young and alive, she could bring out the playful in me if I'm not careful, and it doesn't seem right to be playful. Not now.
The wind whips up her hair. Even if I can't play with her, I'd like to hold her close and keep her warm.
"Are you cold? The cafe is just around this bend but we can go back home if you like."
"No, let's go on, but I think hot chocolate rather than ice cream." She smiles at me.
"Good plan."
But fuck, when we get to the cafe the last person I want to see is there. Angela is sitting at a window table with some guy. He turns around when she looks up and it's Jerry from the station, and the way she avoids looking me in the eye, I don't know but I suspect there's something going on here, something that maybe even started before she broke up with me.
"Hello, Angela, Jerry," I say because I can't avoid speaking to them completely. I can't say, "You shit, Jerry. We don't mess with each other's girlfriends and wives. We're supposed to be a team looking out for each other." He knows that. And it won't do any good to point it out.
But Angela doesn't hold back, as if she resents me for moving on, even though I haven't and even though she moved on first. "You found yourself a babysitter pretty fast, I see." She looks over at Melissa who is checking that Lucy isn't too warm inside the cafe in her padded suit. I think Melissa's pretending not to be too interested in what's going on.
"Yes, this is Melissa. She's over from the States for six weeks helping out. Duncan's daughter."
Melissa comes over and says, "Hi," with a beaming smile that doesn't reach her eyes. It's clear there's no love lost between the women.
"We were just going," Angela says, getting up. She doesn't even ask to see Lucy. She has no interest in her at all. "See you around." She and Jerry sidle out of the cafe.
I get the drinks at the counter and then sit down with Melissa, well away from the seats Angela and Jerry vacated, as if they contaminated the space.
"That was your ex?"
"Yes, with one of the crew at the station. Different shift, but still. I have a feeling that friendship has been going on for a while. The last time we were in the same crowd, at a party a few months ago, I remember they got on well."
"They're probably just friends."
"Possibly more, who knows? Interesting how little that idea hurts. Pride, yes. Rest of me, no. I'm out of emotions for the year."
"It's only the end of January."
"Yes, and bring on next year. This year is well and truly shot. I'm done with it." Maybe Angela leaving hurts more than I'm letting on to Melissa. I thought Angela and I would be coping with Lucy together, not me doing a one-man band in parenthood. I'll be able to manage with good help, though. Even though Melissa has been here less than a day, she's helped me see that.
If only she was here for longer, and not just because of Lucy. I'd like to get to know her better. A lot better. I look at her blue eyes and fuck, I want her, and not just as a babysitter. Living in the same house, it's going to be so difficult to hide that from her, but I'm going to have to try.
CHAPTER 13
Melissa
We slip into an easy routine once we get home, as if we have been doing this for weeks. I feed Lucy and then give her a bath while Andrew cooks. Lucy falls asleep over my shoulder and I'm just putting her to bed when he pops his head around the bedroom door to say dinner is ready.
"Hey!" he says, quietly, so as not to wake her. "You're a marvel at that."
"You'll be a marvel before long, too. Maybe she can sense you're new to it." Who knew Daniel would be such good training?
He looks down at the sleeping baby, such tenderness in his face, I want to hold him and make everything better for him though there's nothing I can do. Not really.
"Andrew," I say.
He looks up and I think there's a tear and I can't help it any longer. Somehow we are in each other's arms and he's kissing my hair. I tilt my chin up to him and he kisses me as tenderly as he looked at the baby. And then harder, firmer, our bodies tight against each other, with no other thought than getting closer together. I feel every hard muscle, the length of him, one hand snaking into my hair, the other around me, holding me tight against him, so I can't move. Not that I want to go anywhere, not with the intoxicating man scent of him around me, the feel of his body hot against mine. A moan coming from my lips matches one from him and we part, our eyes wide at the intensity of that moment.
"Sorry," he says.
"It's okay." I smile because I wanted that as much as, if not more than, he did.
"I've wanted to do that since I saw you at Heathrow."
"So now you did. And in front of the baby, too."
"I don't think she noticed. But seriously, that shouldn't have happened. I really am sorry."
But whether it shouldn't have happened or not, somehow I'm kissing him all over again, his mouth crashing down on mine. Crazy, wild kisses, our tongues tangling together, his mouth claiming mine over and over. And me, abandoning myself to those kisses that I never want to end and I feel his hands on my ass, grasping me, pulling me closer, if closer was even possible. And that's fine because closer is exactly where I want to be.
When we stop to catch our breath, I don't want to stop, but he almost growls at me. "We had better get out of here because if we don't, this is going to go somewhere we can't ever get back from. And if we cross that line..."
CHAPTER 14
Andrew
Fuck! I can't believe that just happened. I'm supposed to be responsible. I'm a father now, whether I like it or not. I'm supposed to be taking care of a baby and looking after Melissa on behalf of my friend, not kissing her, for fuck's sake. And definitely not kissing her so hard I don't want to stop at kissing. But when I say that thing about crossing a line, Melissa looks upset, like she didn't want to stop either. This is so fucking dangerous. Life is complicated enough already.
"We'd better eat," I say, though suddenly my appetite has disappeared.
"Yes," she says, not looking at me.
"Melissa, you know we can't do this, don't you? Let's just eat and forget it ever happened."
"Yes," she says again. "Let's forget it." It's like she mentally pulled up her big girl panties and she stands tall. Her chin up.
But things are no better in the kitchen. We move the food around the plate. Not much is going in.
"I'm sorry. I upset you." I offer.
"It's okay. I'll get over it." She smiles but I can tell she's putting a brave face on it. Same as I am. Shit! I made this mess and now I have to deal with it as best I can.
How am I going to do that? But I have to. Everything is stretched too tight right now. There's no room for any more complication in my life. But fuck, I wanted her back there. She had a smear of baby cream down her front, her hair was coming out of her ponytail but it made no difference to me. I wanted her. I wanted to lose myself in the scent of her and her honeysuckle shower gel, the soft feel of her against me. I can't deny that.
After dinner, we wash up. I know I should say I'll do it and let her go to her room, but I can't bear this dark atmosphere hanging between us. But doing the dishes together doesn't help. We make awkward conversation about the six o' clock news on TV that's on in the background. She's thoughtful and intelligent in her opinions, but talking about current events is not what I really want to do with her. And we're too polite, too formal after the day we had and those kisses. Everything is spoiled. And it's all my fault. I should have known better.
After the kitchen is tidy, she goes to her room. And I hear nothing. She probably has her headphones in or maybe she's texting her friends or something. I wonder if she's contacting that guy from the airport, arranging to see him as soon as she gets a day off. I can't bear it.
I leave her alone, though. It's not fair. I pace around, tidying up this and that in the living room, though it's tidier than it has been in the short time I've lived there. That's the Melissa effect again.
When Lucy cries, I go to her myself. I'll give her a bottle and give Melissa some space. But she comes out of her room while I'm heating up the bottle.
"Have you got any DVDs?" she asks. "Something funny. I'm in need of funny right now."
"No DVDs, but Netflix."
She flicks through the options while I feed Lucy. "Three Men and a Baby. I don't think so, do you? How about Bridget Jones?"
"If you like." I'll watch anything if she's going to watch with me.
At first, she starts off in the big easy chair while I'm with Lucy on the couch, but Lucy wants to play after her bottle and Melissa can't resist her.
"The little minx doesn't want to go back to bed," she says. "Here, I'll walk around with her." She takes the baby from my arms and carries her, Lucy's head resting on Melissa's shoulder and she sings quietly to the baby. I put the movie on pause because Melissa is missing it, though I guess she's seen it a few times.
Her walking around the living room is distracting. There's nowhere to look that I can't see her. There's no way just to ignore her and pretend I don't want her. Badly.
She turns her head and kisses the baby's cheek. "I feel her heavier on my shoulder, I'll just put her to bed."