A Fistfull of Charms(61)

“That’s good. Great.” If we managed to evade the Weres and live that long.
His eyes were worried as he glanced at the book beside me, taking up the space so he wouldn’t. “Do you need any help with the Latin? I don’t mind interpreting it for you.” His long face scrunched up. “I’d like to do something.”
“Maybe later,” I said guardedly. My shoulders eased at his admission of uselessness. Ivy and Jenks were making a point to keep him out of everything, and it would have bothered me too. “I think I have a curse I can use. I want to talk to Ceri about it first.”
“Rachel…”
Oh God. I’ve heard that tone before, usually coming out of me. He wants to talk about us. “If she says the imbalance won’t be too bad,” I rushed to say, “I’m going to move the magic from the focus to something else, so we can destroy the old statue. It shouldn’t be too hard.”
“Rachel, I—”
Pulse quickening, I tugged the demon book closer. “Hey, why don’t I show you the curse. You could—” He moved, and my eyes jerked up. He didn’t look dangerous, he didn’t look helpless, he looked frustrated, as if he was screwing his courage up.
“I don’t want to talk about the plan,” he said, leaning over the space between us. “I don’t want to talk about Latin or magic. I want to talk about you and me.”
“Nick,” I said, my heart pounding. “Stop.” He reached for my shoulder, and I jumped, lashing out to block his hand before he could touch me.
Startled, he jerked away. “Damn it, Rachel!” he exclaimed. “I thought you were dead! Will you just…Will you just let me give you a hug? You’re back from the dead, and you won’t let me even touch you! I’m not asking to move in with you. All I want is to touch you—to prove to me you’re alive!”
I let out my held breath, then caught it again. My head hurt. I did nothing as he shifted to sit beside me, moving the book out of the way. Our body weight slid us closer, and I shifted to face him, my knees forcing us apart.
“I missed you,” he said softly, his eyes scrunched with old pain, and this time I did nothing as his arms went around me. The scent of cinnamon and flour filled my senses, instead of musty books and the snap of ozone. His hands were light, almost not there. I felt his body relax, and he exhaled as if he’d found a piece of himself. Don’t, I thought, tensing. Please don’t say it.
“Things would have been different if I had known you were alive,” he whispered, his breath shifting the hair about my face. “I never would have left. I never would have asked Jax to help me. I never would have started this fool snatch. God, Rachel, I missed you. You’re the only woman I’ve met who understands me, who I never needed to explain why. Hell, you didn’t even leave when you found out I called up demons. I…I really missed you.”His hands clenched for an instant and his voice cracked. He had missed me. He wasn’t lying. And I knew what it was like to be alone and the rarity of finding a kindred soul, even if he was screwed up. “Nick,” I said, my heart pounding.
My eyes closed as his hands moved, pulling through my hair. I reached up, stilling them, bringing them back down to my lap. The memory of him tracing the lines of my face filled me. I remembered the touch of his sensitive fingers, following my jawline, running down my neck to follow the curves of my body. I remembered his warmth, his laughter, and his eyes sparkling when I twisted a phrase to mean something entirely new and naughty. I remembered the way he made me feel needed, appreciated for who and what I was, never having to apologize for it, and the contentment I found in sharing ourselves. We’d been happy together. It had been great.
And I made a good decision.
“Nick.” I pulled away, my eyes opening when his hand brushed my cheek. “You left. I got myself together. I won’t go back to where we were.”
His eyes went wide in the low light. “I never left you. Not really. Not in my heart.”
I took a breath and let it go. “You weren’t there when I needed you,” I said. “You were somewhere else. Stealing something.” His expression went empty, and a flash of anger pressed my lips together, daring him to deny it. “You lied to me about where you were going and what you were doing. And you took Jenks’s son with you. You turned him into a thief with your promises of wealth and excitement. How could you do that to Jenks?”
Nick’s eyes were emotionless. “I told him it was a dangerous job and it didn’t pay well.”
“To a pixy, you live like a king,” I snapped, feeling my heartbeat quicken.
“The familiar bond is broken. We can start over—”
“No.” I shifted from him, feeling the betrayal again. Damn him. “You can’t be part of my life anymore. You’re a thief and a liar, and I can’t love you.”
“I can change,” he said, and I groaned with disbelief. “I have changed,” he said, so earnestly that I thought he might believe he had. “When this is over, I’ll go back to Cincinnati. I’ll get a noon to midnight job. I’ll buy a dog. Get cable TV. I’ll stop it all for you, Rachel.”
His hands went out and took mine, and I looked at my fingers cradled between his long pianist hands, damaged and raw, but sensitive, enfolding mine as his arms had once protected me, kept me alive when I was bleeding my life out.
“I love you that much,” he whispered. My head pounded, and he brought my fingers to his lips and kissed them. “Let me try. Don’t throw this second chance away.” 
I couldn’t seem to get enough air. “No,” I said, voice low so it wouldn’t tremble. “I can’t do this. You won’t change. You might believe you can, and maybe you will, but in a month, a year, you’ll find something, and then it will be, ‘Just one more, Ray-ray. Then I’ll stop forever.’ I can’t live like that.” My throat was tight and I couldn’t swallow.
I pulled my eyes to his, reading in his shocked expression that he had been about to say that right now, that he still wanted to walk away from this with money in his pocket. That he may have meant everything he’d said, but also wanted to convince me to put my, Ivy’s, and Jenks’s life on the line for money. He was still running his damn snatch, even while knowing that if the statue wasn’t destroyed, it would put my life in jeopardy.
Betrayal bubbled up, making my stomach clench. “I have a good life,” I said, feeling his grip on my fingers loosen. “It doesn’t include you anymore.”
Nick’s jaw clenched and he drew back. “But it includes Ivy,” he said bitterly. “She’s hunting you. She’s going to make you her toy. It’s always the thrill of the hunt for vampires. That’s all. And once she gets you, she’ll drop you and move on to someone new.”
“That’s enough,” I said, my voice harsh. It was my greatest fear, and he knew it.
He smiled bitterly. “She’s a vampire. She can’t be trusted. I know she’s killed people. She uses them and abandons them. That’s what they do!”
I was shaking in anger. Kisten’s bracelet hung heavy on me like a sign of ownership. “She only takes blood from people who freely give it. And she doesn’t abandon them!” I shouted, unable to keep my voice down. “She never left me!”
Nick’s face went hard at the accusation. “I may be a thief,” he insisted, “but I never hurt anyone who didn’t deserve it. Even by accident.”
My breath was fast and I stood. He looked up at me, his face rigid with frustration. “You hurt me,” I said.
A hopeless look flashed across him. He reached for my hands, and I stepped back. “So she’s a vampire,” I said loudly. “I’m a witch! What makes you any safer? What about you, Nick? You call up demons! What did you give that demon for the location of that…thing!”
Shock flashed over him for my having turned this on him. Clearly uncomfortable, he glanced at my bag on the floor and eased away. “Nothing important.”
He wouldn’t look at me, and my predatory instincts stirred. “What did you give the demon?” I prompted. “Jax said you gave him something.”
Nick took a quick breath. His eyes met mine. “Rachel, I thought you were dead.”
A cold feeling of worry slid through me. Jax had said the demon showed up as me. Had the demon known about me, or just plucked my image out of Nick’s head? “What demon was it?” I asked, thinking of Newt, the insane demon who shoved me back into reality last solstice. “Was it Al?” I said softly, seething inside.
“No, it was someone else,” he said, looking sullen. “Al didn’t know where it was.”
Someone else? Okay, Nick knew more than one demon. “What did you give it for the location of the focus?” I asked, trying to at least look calm.
Nick’s eyes lit up and he scooted forward on the cot. “That’s just it, Rachel. Al always wanted useless stuff like what your favorite color was, or if you used lip gloss, but all this one wanted was a kiss.”
The air slipped out of me, and I couldn’t seem to make my lungs move to pull more in. Nick gave Al information about me in return for favors? “All it wanted was a kiss?” I managed, still trying to grasp what Nick had done. I’d feel betrayed later. Right now I only felt sick. Hand on my stomach, I turned sideways. Had the demon looked like me when Nick kissed it? Oh God. I didn’t want to know.“What…” Somehow I took a breath. “What demon was it?” I asked, knowing he wouldn’t be able to tell me without risking his soul.